How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
