Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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