I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
