i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
