your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
