Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
