you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
