i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
