I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I look better un-naked...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
