Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
