You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
