I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
