only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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