explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
