My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
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