Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
