Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
