What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
