woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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