ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
