Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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