So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just want nice things and good sex
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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