Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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