The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just invented taco cereal.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
