After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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