I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
