You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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