just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
