Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
