this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
