Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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