sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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