my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
