I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
