yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
