just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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