I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize