So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
