She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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