I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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