so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
