Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I've blown a few things in my day
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
