good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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