y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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