Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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