he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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