i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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