how can u be prego again
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
