I swear she didn't look like that last week.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I need a beard to bite.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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