She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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