So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
