My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
