I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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