brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
