I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
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