i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
