Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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