Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
