he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Woke up backwards on a recliner
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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