five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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