Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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