u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
