my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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