what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
