just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
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