they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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