i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize