just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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