yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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