Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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